On being alive...

I

There was something wrong with him that evening-she could tell...but then he was not the kinda guy who would speak about anything. She figured maybe some random nothings would keep him distracted and so did her usual blabber routine which more or less felt flat after a while.
A certain darkness engulfed her. He was not listening. His mind was somewhere else.
She was somehow spaced out herself but kept making small talk, without really saying much.
It had been a long tiring day after all.

Both of them were largely in their own worlds staring into nothing, with their favorite beer pint and some live music in the background in an upscale rooftop pub in the suburbs. The night was cloudy and the winters had just started kicking in. Everything looked dull and gloomy.
And then something crazy happened... She saw him gazing at her. Before she could speak he reached forward and kissed her cheek. 
He was the type who'd just silently curl around her at night and breathe into her hair. She felt protected with him around even though they barely spoke.

But now he was gone and she was left cold and un-anchored. She just wanted to hold his stubbled face and make him look at her the way he did 2 months back...if only things were less complicated.

She wiped a tear off her face and stepped into the car. You cant lose what you never had. She told herself.

***
II


They met almost randomly and became the best of friends in no time - Two lost souls in an unknown town.
With time they realized they were the same people. Could joke around for hours - Everything just came so naturally..like clockwork.
Coffees, beers, lunches soon turned into talks about the pasts, dreams about the future and some bleak hope of togetherness. Some how everyone else around saw the obvious a long time before they could come in terms with their own feelings.
Are you guys a thing? His friends would ask him and he'd just brush them off. He did like her. But were they a thing?, he wondered.

He got mixed signals from her. Sometimes she'd act all bossy and wanted to know everything and sometimes she'd just disappear and cut him out for days. She was slightly dysfunctional he felt, but he was persistent and patient - and they really did get along realy well. He wanted to give it a shot.
Her erratic behavior however bothered him a lot and finally he confronted her one day.
She breathed deep and went numb and gave him a whole set of reasons for why they couldn't be together, which did not make any sense to him. This left him feeling even more confused and a little hurt somewhereas well.
After weeks of fighting and avoiding each other, they finally called truce and met for dinner.
It was just like old times. They took a walk back home with her comfortably tucked into his oversized jacket.
Do you know whats weird?, she said. I was so angry at you a week back and now I cant even figure out a reason why. He smiled. We are so good together like this, don’t you see? We cant have this if we stay confused about each other...
This time he kept quiet. This was the last time he was going to meet her, he decided. She was never going to come around.

***

III

3 years later

It had been a long exhausting night. The friends were gone and the two of them decided to get some air for a while. Being a party host was never easy.

It was 2 am and they were drunk silly, sitting on the swings in an old depleted garden near their house.

What does the heart want? She asked him, in a vague dreamy demeanor, staring at the sky.

She had been quiet for a long time. It scared him when she did that, so he played along.

I don't know...The heart is stupid, i guess. It doesn’t know what it wants. It can't reason.You gotta start loving from your mind you see...That’s the only way you can be happy.
He spoke calmly, being his logical self and he gave her a push.

No. That’s not true. You see, the heart just wants to be alive.

He laughed without asking her what she meant. He always enjoyed her drunk loony talks

Its true!, she continued...the heart recoils from love when it getting enough and rushes towards something unrequited. How else do you explain that?

He thought for a second. Because it wants to be alive?, He said after a brief pause.
It kind of made sense. Drunken philosophy always made sense.

Yes! She smiled. 
Come lets go home. He laughed and he helped her off the swing.

***

the chronicles of the supremely weird :-/

Okay So I'm kinda messed up about this one thing. And i cant make up my mind. Now I know that its hard to believe by the super depressive content in my blog but i am infact a NORMAL person !! I know i can be the biggest cribber around, but life has been infact more than kind to me. Sometimes i feel i have everything going right for me..you know, the bigger picture...and well, the small occasional breakdowns can always been taken care of right?

So basically i should just stop over thinking and put a sock in my mouth and be happy and ignore these lil things that are not so right and be all balanced and composed, right? But then i just cant stop freaking out !!! And recently, so many things are happening around me, and so fast that love,life and friendships have cock-tailed into this giant mess which can only be described as "The Supremely Weird" !!

Its hard to explain really ..bt sometimes you become so used to having some people around that you kinda miss them when they are not there, you know... a few people whom you love and hate at the same time ! i mean they piss the crap outta you but you just cant do without having them around !! weird !??? tell me about it ..!!!
Sometimes when too much of closeness is followed by cold and dry spells of distance and awkwardness (created by your own stupidity and confusion) you kinda miss them u know..but then you have too much of a goddamn ego to tell them that and you try and keep yourself super busy and pretend nothing is up at all !!!

I mean who cares right ?! you totally had a life before you met them !!!
So you try to go back to your old regime but now suddenly you discover..its not the same anymore...u've out grown all your old friends and nothing is good enough !!

I mean..i am surrounded by all these great set of people. and we are sharing some great laughs and good times....but its never really the same when i know that they are not the ones i wish were there with me...ccoz its not them that i miss...
Its this one person ive started connecting to recently... a person with whom i share some private jokes, you know...little things. unspoken things. silly things. Things which would not make any sense otherwise. but are special between us...

I mean its crazy right ?!! What is it, that these few people can possibly do to do?
How cool can they possibly be to make the past 20 years of your life before them seem irrelevant and stale !??!!!
Is it that you were probably just unaware of how great life could be or how miserable you were without having them around?!! And more importantly how the hell can let one person hurt you so easily like that ?!!

I mean they didnt ask you to..u just tagged them as friggin 'special' in the back of your head and put them in charge of that part of ur brains where they mess up emotions so friggin conveniently !!! How can one be soo friggin naive ?!!

I remember being the one preaching on how one shud 'suck it in and tuff it out' the loudest ! And now im wondering whatever happnd to the 'id rather put a bullet in my head than sulk over someone' attitude ?? Arrgggghhh !!! Stupid scumbag feelings !!! hate them !

Sigh.

As lame as the whole situation sounds, I guess emotions are a bit too complicated to be weighed by reason sometimes.... and just maybe, these people are worth all the emotional trauma...which by the way makes me wanna scream and turn around and run at these first signs of trouble !! (yeah, this is how it starts :-\)

Okay so i guess i do care a little more that i'd like to admit :-/

I really wish that i could keep the cynicism away for a day and take more chances in life...Be me for a change and not my insecurities...but it seems im becoming more and more clueless when comes to dealing with emotions with every passing day.

Arrgghhhh !!! Okhay tired of typing now and out of things to say anyway but still missing someone is SUPER lame n I cant believe its happening to me !

___


Disclaimer- There is absolutely no correlation between the authors thoughts that you get to read here and her actions in real life. She thinks shes too high and mighty and super cool to say words like 'i miss you' and 'i kinda care' which makes her life super complicated where she constantly has to fight and suppress her own feelings. I think shes on her way to a mental institution very soon.

Statuary Warning - Incase you know the author of this blog in real life, mentioning the content of her blog to her or trying to talk about it can be extremely dangerous to all your body parts. I mean seriously. Do not piss this woman off.


Peace.

A journey through her neurosis.

Something that you need to know before you start reading this post -

The writer of this blog doesn't know a thing about sympathy....she’s never really been able to project her inner turmoil....but she does end up walking, talking and writing like a retard, thereafter.

Now this post is about a girl who believes that she is doomed to a lifetime of gravitating towards a series of unrequited relationships and is deeply repelled by the people who truly care about her.

Call it her abnormality or general psychology, but she likes people who are as emotionally damaged as she is. She somehow gets drawn to them (which explains the reason for her constant disappointment when it comes to love). Even though she feels that she’ll be happier in a stable relationship but when she sees herself getting into one, she somehow gets scared and starts looking for the nearest detour, blaming it on her cynical self, her crazy ex, her hectic schedules or some imaginary guy who left her emotionally spent and completely devoid of sentiments for the rest.

Ironically, she is perfectly aware of all her defences...the cynicism, the sarcasm, the vulnerability that she’s learnt to hide by indulging in all the possible mind numbing distractions that the western culture has to offer and all the social interactions that she so cleverly fakes.
She does whatever she can to save herself from any possible human attachment and so she limits her emotional breakdowns to the internet and long distance phone calls only.

She has a good life, they say. Supportive parents, caring friends, a promising career ahead but somehow these things never mattered to her. She does get her share of attention from the opposite sex.. sometimes much more that she expects or can handle.
In a way, she likes how easily she can shut people out of her life without feeling a thing...Though she never really fully understands what they see in her....For she is nothing special.. She is probably like every other girl you’ve known...She laughs, she cries, she hopes, she hurts...but more importantly ? she fears being like everyone she hates. She fears losing control...of getting lost in something or losing everything for something.

She is obsessive, bipolar and constantly finds herself in the middle of a mall compulsively shopping for shoes whenever she’s going through relationship issues and comes back home feeling like Cinderella’s step sister when she can’t find her ‘perfect fit’.

She cries in movies...wishes that she could rescue all the stray puppies of the world ... drowns her sorrows in a tub of ice-cream when she’s low...writes stupid blogs and deletes them before anyone can read.. And when nothing else works...falls into her bed, fantasizing about a parallel universe where life is less complicated...

Cause absolute happiness is what shes keeps on looking for...something unconditional and boundless...An affection, that might not even exist...

Knowningly or unknowingly she recedes between knowning and not knowning. running in circles...in a constant struggle with herself...thoughts read, unspoken. forever in doubt.

When asked, she quietly whispers "human nature is just so whimsical, how do you even know which part of you is real?"

****

Disclaimer- This post is purely a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Just another day...

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

(disappear-hoobastank)

_

Just one of those days, when you dont know what to think or how to feel anymore....

when you dread the silence around you so much that you find your self roaming aimlessly, seeking recluse in the city's traffic and random faces.

when your head is so full of thoughts, yet you feel so empty inside...

so hurt, yet so totally devoid of emotions...

Life can be crazy sometimes, its like sitting in an f1 car and watching the world in a blink of an eye with hardly anytime to react....

Whats left at the end of it all is a huge cloud of dust and confusion and unanswered questions like 'what if' and 'why' and ironically while this whole whirlpool of emotions is fucking up your peace of mind, closure seems to be the only thing that eludes you.

Its 4 am as i write this and im sleep deprived like always, slightly out of my mind and maybe a little hurt somewhere deep down too...but life is an uphill struggle and we all must pay our dues.

Now im looking for something that would put things in perspective but like always, i find my self struggling for the right lines...Contrary to what many people think, im bad with words and even worse with letting my feelings show...but then i'm done trying anyway.

.

PPS- The writer of this blog is highy delusional, constantly bipolar and partially demented and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Confessions of a love-sick puppy =P

I was woken up this morning by a scream, so wild and so despairing, that it almost had me believing for a minute that our apartment was on fire.

"Look, I dont wish to illicit huzzahs of appreciation from you but your brazenness can be excruciating."

There was a brief pause.

"It means, why do you have to be such an ass**** all the time, you moron !"

I cringed. This was the third face-off that Rebby, my roomate, was having with her boyfriend this week.

Maybe guys were universally inconsiderate. Maybe, impertinence was in their DNA, I thought to myself, as I dragged myself out of bed.

There was a loud shudder, as she ripped the door of my room open and stormed in like Xena, the warrior princess, with two cups of coffee and handed me one, as I sluggishly waved at her.

"You know what?", She continued, "I dont want your dumb excuses and I dont want your fake promises...."

After another five minutes of a few hundred abuses which were cruel enough to make any self respecting guy want to seek refuge in the nearest garbage can...She unceremoniously hung up the phone.

Then, with an uncanny cheerfulness she came and sat next to me as if nothing had happened.

"Umm...Are you okay?"

"Ofcourse im not! He makes me sooo mad ! aagggh ! Ivy you dont know ya, he's driving me crazy and when I say 'crazy'...I mean psycho-crazy and NOT in a romantic way..."

I smiled. That wasnt too hard to guess.

"Okhay, lets take this conversation to the kitchen. You can rant all you want while I fix us some breakfast, okhay? "

She nodded childishly.

After thirty minutes of bawling, howling and wailing about how uncaring he had become lately and how he had stopped complimenting her and getting her flowers; the pancakes were nearly ready...

As we settled down on the table to eat, she continued her sobbing; taking occassional breaks ofcourse, to blow her nose clean...

"C'mon ya Rebby! You wanna cry a river and drown the whole world in it? Give it a break !"

"You know Ivy, *sniff* Im ready to overlook all the shit that he's ever said or done...but he called me FAT !!! Infront of all his friends.................!!! "

Her eyes swelled up, yet again and her voice trailed off.
She couldnt complete the last sentence. She was all choked up. Out of all the felonies that he had committed, calling her overweight was his biggest sin.

At that point I felt really sorry...for the untouched pancakes in her plate, which I knew were going to bin...

I took a deep breath, to muster up whatever little patience I had left in me and reached forward to hug her.

"Awee...dont worry sweety. Dont cry and your not fa--- "
I checked my self.
"Ummmm...I mean overweight...Your not overweight okhay. Ask him to get his eyes examined..."

Then, like a good girlfriend I took charge of the situation and delivered a really really long and dramatic monolouge (pun intended); blaming her boyfriend for all the troubles and miseries of her life.
Wth an applaudable eloquence, I told her that she was good enough on her own and that her guy was nothing but a big loser, unworthy of her affections.

I even took the liberty of calling her boyfriend a sadistic, blood sucking parasite who drew pleasure out of hurting her, which I covered up later artistically, by telling her how pretty she was and how she had half the college drooling over her...

I felt like Odysesseus delivering the message of hope and change to a savage race before the Trojan war.
Damn it felt good !

However, the grandeur of my newly acquired rhetorics was broken by a loud beep.

"Its him ", She spoke calmly, at last, after an hour of draining her tear glands.

" What does he want now? Show me !", I muttered, with a disgusted expression on my face. She handed over the phone and I read out loud the following text message...

"Dear Rebby,
I will mend my ways for you.
I will try and be extra decent next time ...
As a matter of fact I plan to take lessons in etiquttees and goodness from the Dalai Lama.
Also , I shall talk decent , walk decent , dress decent .
Baby , I love you so much, for you im willing to middle name myself 'Decent'..
Anything for you princess.

Yours decently ."


She tried to supress a smile.

"See ! He takes you for granted! He thinks you are stupid enough to fall for his cheesy lines. He is such a....................."

I stopped as I watched her twitch her nose and give me one of her patented 'aweee' looks.

"Shit. I know that look. *sigh* Who are we fooling? You're hopelessly in love are'nt you?"


"No no. Your right. He's a jerk. I should hate..", She paused as she stood up and jumped around, with the excitement of a teenager, who just had her first kiss.

"I should hate how much I love him !!! ", She squealed.

"Great...Happy endings...Wow..You people make me sick...Are you going to have those pancakes though?"

Without caring to reply, she hopped her way to the balcony to talk to the 'man of the moment' like a love-sick puppy, with cupid's invisible arrow stuck to her bum.

=)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~