I was woken up this morning by a scream, so wild and so despairing, that it almost had me believing for a minute that our apartment was on fire.
"Look, I dont wish to illicit huzzahs of appreciation from you but your brazenness can be excruciating."
There was a brief pause.
"It means, why do you have to be such an ass**** all the time, you moron !"
I cringed. This was the third face-off that Rebby, my roomate, was having with her boyfriend this week.
Maybe guys were universally inconsiderate. Maybe, impertinence was in their DNA, I thought to myself, as I dragged myself out of bed.
There was a loud shudder, as she ripped the door of my room open and stormed in like Xena, the warrior princess, with two cups of coffee and handed me one, as I sluggishly waved at her.
"You know what?", She continued, "I dont want your dumb excuses and I dont want your fake promises...."
After another five minutes of a few hundred abuses which were cruel enough to make any self respecting guy want to seek refuge in the nearest garbage can...She unceremoniously hung up the phone.
Then, with an uncanny cheerfulness she came and sat next to me as if nothing had happened.
"Umm...Are you okay?"
"Ofcourse im not! He makes me sooo mad ! aagggh ! Ivy you dont know ya, he's driving me crazy and when I say 'crazy'...I mean psycho-crazy and NOT in a romantic way..."
I smiled. That wasnt too hard to guess.
"Okhay, lets take this conversation to the kitchen. You can rant all you want while I fix us some breakfast, okhay? "
She nodded childishly.
After thirty minutes of bawling, howling and wailing about how uncaring he had become lately and how he had stopped complimenting her and getting her flowers; the pancakes were nearly ready...
As we settled down on the table to eat, she continued her sobbing; taking occassional breaks ofcourse, to blow her nose clean...
"C'mon ya Rebby! You wanna cry a river and drown the whole world in it? Give it a break !"
"You know Ivy, *sniff* Im ready to overlook all the shit that he's ever said or done...but he called me FAT !!! Infront of all his friends.................!!! "
Her eyes swelled up, yet again and her voice trailed off.
She couldnt complete the last sentence. She was all choked up. Out of all the felonies that he had committed, calling her overweight was his biggest sin.
At that point I felt really sorry...for the untouched pancakes in her plate, which I knew were going to bin...
I took a deep breath, to muster up whatever little patience I had left in me and reached forward to hug her.
"Awee...dont worry sweety. Dont cry and your not fa--- "
I checked my self.
"Ummmm...I mean overweight...Your not overweight okhay. Ask him to get his eyes examined..."
Then, like a good girlfriend I took charge of the situation and delivered a really really long and dramatic monolouge (pun intended); blaming her boyfriend for all the troubles and miseries of her life.
Wth an applaudable eloquence, I told her that she was good enough on her own and that her guy was nothing but a big loser, unworthy of her affections.
I even took the liberty of calling her boyfriend a sadistic, blood sucking parasite who drew pleasure out of hurting her, which I covered up later artistically, by telling her how pretty she was and how she had half the college drooling over her...
I felt like Odysesseus delivering the message of hope and change to a savage race before the Trojan war.
Damn it felt good !
However, the grandeur of my newly acquired rhetorics was broken by a loud beep.
"Its him ", She spoke calmly, at last, after an hour of draining her tear glands.
" What does he want now? Show me !", I muttered, with a disgusted expression on my face. She handed over the phone and I read out loud the following text message...
"Dear Rebby,
I will mend my ways for you.
I will try and be extra decent next time ...
As a matter of fact I plan to take lessons in etiquttees and goodness from the Dalai Lama.
Also , I shall talk decent , walk decent , dress decent .
Baby , I love you so much, for you im willing to middle name myself 'Decent'..
Anything for you princess.
Yours decently ."
She tried to supress a smile.
"See ! He takes you for granted! He thinks you are stupid enough to fall for his cheesy lines. He is such a....................."
I stopped as I watched her twitch her nose and give me one of her patented 'aweee' looks.
"Shit. I know that look. *sigh* Who are we fooling? You're hopelessly in love are'nt you?"
"No no. Your right. He's a jerk. I should hate..", She paused as she stood up and jumped around, with the excitement of a teenager, who just had her first kiss.
"I should hate how much I love him !!! ", She squealed.
"Great...Happy endings...Wow..You people make me sick...Are you going to have those pancakes though?"
Without caring to reply, she hopped her way to the balcony to talk to the 'man of the moment' like a love-sick puppy, with cupid's invisible arrow stuck to her bum.
=)
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