In time...

Getting too close, while letting you go
More than i can take, more than you will know
Unarmed and defenseless, just like they say
You’re the only one to blame when you give yourself away

To breathe you in or shut you out
In my conviction or even my doubt
Could you be my protection if you choose to stay?
Guess you’re the one to blame when you give yourself away

To walk away or get left behind
A answer left to fate and time
You’ll have your reasons, but the choices I will make
Cause I’m the only one to blame if i give myself away

A touch of your Grace...

A chapter new
a story old
an open book
with bends and folds;
A broken heart
some broken ties
a weary soul
deserted eyes.

A solitude
a dark recluse
all locked up
a spirit consumed;
A pool of blood
some unsure cuts
her trembling hands
a blissful hurt.

The pain consumes
and time slows down
another stranger
an unknown town;
A life forlorn
another realm
eternal peace
a journeys end.

Before she drowns
before she falls
one last breath
one final thought;
A struggle within
a cry for help
a new found closure
receding steps.

A healing touch
a twist of fate
an answered prayer
amazing Grace;
An angel descends
he makes her believe
she finds new hope-
An ecstasy.

A ray of light
a leap of faith
the end of despair
a higher solace;
A reason enough
a brand new life
she now stands tall
no longer denied.

A journey through her neurosis.

Something that you need to know before you start reading this post -

The writer of this blog doesn't know a thing about sympathy....she’s never really been able to project her inner turmoil....but she does end up walking, talking and writing like a retard, thereafter.

Now this post is about a girl who believes that she is doomed to a lifetime of gravitating towards a series of unrequited relationships and is deeply repelled by the people who truly care about her.

Call it her abnormality or general psychology, but she likes people who are as emotionally damaged as she is. She somehow gets drawn to them (which explains the reason for her constant disappointment when it comes to love). Even though she feels that she’ll be happier in a stable relationship but when she sees herself getting into one, she somehow gets scared and starts looking for the nearest detour, blaming it on her cynical self, her crazy ex, her hectic schedules or some imaginary guy who left her emotionally spent and completely devoid of sentiments for the rest.

Ironically, she is perfectly aware of all her defences...the cynicism, the sarcasm, the vulnerability that she’s learnt to hide by indulging in all the possible mind numbing distractions that the western culture has to offer and all the social interactions that she so cleverly fakes.
She does whatever she can to save herself from any possible human attachment and so she limits her emotional breakdowns to the internet and long distance phone calls only.

She has a good life, they say. Supportive parents, caring friends, a promising career ahead but somehow these things never mattered to her. She does get her share of attention from the opposite sex.. sometimes much more that she expects or can handle.
In a way, she likes how easily she can shut people out of her life without feeling a thing...Though she never really fully understands what they see in her....For she is nothing special.. She is probably like every other girl you’ve known...She laughs, she cries, she hopes, she hurts...but more importantly ? she fears being like everyone she hates. She fears losing control...of getting lost in something or losing everything for something.

She is obsessive, bipolar and constantly finds herself in the middle of a mall compulsively shopping for shoes whenever she’s going through relationship issues and comes back home feeling like Cinderella’s step sister when she can’t find her ‘perfect fit’.

She cries in movies...wishes that she could rescue all the stray puppies of the world ... drowns her sorrows in a tub of ice-cream when she’s low...writes stupid blogs and deletes them before anyone can read.. And when nothing else works...falls into her bed, fantasizing about a parallel universe where life is less complicated...

Cause absolute happiness is what shes keeps on looking for...something unconditional and boundless...An affection, that might not even exist...

Knowningly or unknowingly she recedes between knowning and not knowning. running in circles...in a constant struggle with herself...thoughts read, unspoken. forever in doubt.

When asked, she quietly whispers "human nature is just so whimsical, how do you even know which part of you is real?"

****

Disclaimer- This post is purely a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, dead or alive is purely coincidental.