Okay So I'm kinda messed up about this one thing. And i cant make up my mind. Now I know that its hard to believe by the super depressive content in my blog but i am infact a NORMAL person !! I know i can be the biggest cribber around, but life has been infact more than kind to me. Sometimes i feel i have everything going right for me..you know, the bigger picture...and well, the small occasional breakdowns can always been taken care of right?
So basically i should just stop over thinking and put a sock in my mouth and be happy and ignore these lil things that are not so right and be all balanced and composed, right? But then i just cant stop freaking out !!! And recently, so many things are happening around me, and so fast that love,life and friendships have cock-tailed into this giant mess which can only be described as "The Supremely Weird" !!
Its hard to explain really ..bt sometimes you become so used to having some people around that you kinda miss them when they are not there, you know... a few people whom you love and hate at the same time ! i mean they piss the crap outta you but you just cant do without having them around !! weird !??? tell me about it ..!!!
Sometimes when too much of closeness is followed by cold and dry spells of distance and awkwardness (created by your own stupidity and confusion) you kinda miss them u know..but then you have too much of a goddamn ego to tell them that and you try and keep yourself super busy and pretend nothing is up at all !!!
I mean who cares right ?! you totally had a life before you met them !!!
So you try to go back to your old regime but now suddenly you discover..its not the same anymore...u've out grown all your old friends and nothing is good enough !!
I mean..i am surrounded by all these great set of people. and we are sharing some great laughs and good times....but its never really the same when i know that they are not the ones i wish were there with me...ccoz its not them that i miss...
Its this one person ive started connecting to recently... a person with whom i share some private jokes, you know...little things. unspoken things. silly things. Things which would not make any sense otherwise. but are special between us...
I mean its crazy right ?!! What is it, that these few people can possibly do to do?
How cool can they possibly be to make the past 20 years of your life before them seem irrelevant and stale !??!!!
Is it that you were probably just unaware of how great life could be or how miserable you were without having them around?!! And more importantly how the hell can let one person hurt you so easily like that ?!!
I mean they didnt ask you to..u just tagged them as friggin 'special' in the back of your head and put them in charge of that part of ur brains where they mess up emotions so friggin conveniently !!! How can one be soo friggin naive ?!!
I remember being the one preaching on how one shud 'suck it in and tuff it out' the loudest ! And now im wondering whatever happnd to the 'id rather put a bullet in my head than sulk over someone' attitude ?? Arrgggghhh !!! Stupid scumbag feelings !!! hate them !
Sigh.
As lame as the whole situation sounds, I guess emotions are a bit too complicated to be weighed by reason sometimes.... and just maybe, these people are worth all the emotional trauma...which by the way makes me wanna scream and turn around and run at these first signs of trouble !! (yeah, this is how it starts :-\)
Okay so i guess i do care a little more that i'd like to admit :-/
I really wish that i could keep the cynicism away for a day and take more chances in life...Be me for a change and not my insecurities...but it seems im becoming more and more clueless when comes to dealing with emotions with every passing day.
Arrgghhhh !!! Okhay tired of typing now and out of things to say anyway but still missing someone is SUPER lame n I cant believe its happening to me !
___
Disclaimer- There is absolutely no correlation between the authors thoughts that you get to read here and her actions in real life. She thinks shes too high and mighty and super cool to say words like 'i miss you' and 'i kinda care' which makes her life super complicated where she constantly has to fight and suppress her own feelings. I think shes on her way to a mental institution very soon.
Statuary Warning - Incase you know the author of this blog in real life, mentioning the content of her blog to her or trying to talk about it can be extremely dangerous to all your body parts. I mean seriously. Do not piss this woman off.
Peace.
Showing posts with label blabber. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blabber. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Just another day...
So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need
(disappear-hoobastank)
_
Just one of those days, when you dont know what to think or how to feel anymore....
when you dread the silence around you so much that you find your self roaming aimlessly, seeking recluse in the city's traffic and random faces.
when your head is so full of thoughts, yet you feel so empty inside...
so hurt, yet so totally devoid of emotions...
Life can be crazy sometimes, its like sitting in an f1 car and watching the world in a blink of an eye with hardly anytime to react....
Whats left at the end of it all is a huge cloud of dust and confusion and unanswered questions like 'what if' and 'why' and ironically while this whole whirlpool of emotions is fucking up your peace of mind, closure seems to be the only thing that eludes you.
Its 4 am as i write this and im sleep deprived like always, slightly out of my mind and maybe a little hurt somewhere deep down too...but life is an uphill struggle and we all must pay our dues.
Now im looking for something that would put things in perspective but like always, i find my self struggling for the right lines...Contrary to what many people think, im bad with words and even worse with letting my feelings show...but then i'm done trying anyway.
.
PPS- The writer of this blog is highy delusional, constantly bipolar and partially demented and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Monday, July 27, 2009
To Charlotte ~
#Dedicated to my friends, the super-expensive hangbag that i shouldnt have bought and Charlotte.
Disclaimer- Its 2.38 am as i write this. Im terribly bored and half asleep. Kindly ignore the bad grammer and lame bimboish talks.
Okhay, here's a thing about breakups, they might be bad for the heart but GREAT for the countries economy.
I cried my eyes out, for about a month, after breaking-up with a guy i wasnt even in love with; did the whole picture-burning ritual; indulged in choclates, 'Sex and the City' reruns and late night blogging and thus, my 'official mourning period' was supposed to end by this february.
Yet one day, when i showed up at the mall, in doing a La Miss Havishman (only the more modern version in a pair of jammers) ; my friends decided to take charge. Rebby sympathetically put it as, 'babes...you need help', as she dragged me with her.
Two days, 12 grands and a lot of shopping bags later, I was supposed to be a whole new person, or atleast my friends thought so.
( Well, i must admit, the new pair of stilletoes and the T&G products most certainly helped. I mean seriously, you should totally get one of their honey and oatmeal conditioners! They are amazing, trust me.! :P )
But anyways, as i lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Whiteflag byDido, I knew nothing had really changed.
I cried my eyes out, for about a month, after breaking-up with a guy i wasnt even in love with; did the whole picture-burning ritual; indulged in choclates, 'Sex and the City' reruns and late night blogging and thus, my 'official mourning period' was supposed to end by this february.
Yet one day, when i showed up at the mall, in doing a La Miss Havishman (only the more modern version in a pair of jammers) ; my friends decided to take charge. Rebby sympathetically put it as, 'babes...you need help', as she dragged me with her.
Two days, 12 grands and a lot of shopping bags later, I was supposed to be a whole new person, or atleast my friends thought so.
( Well, i must admit, the new pair of stilletoes and the T&G products most certainly helped. I mean seriously, you should totally get one of their honey and oatmeal conditioners! They are amazing, trust me.! :P )
But anyways, as i lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Whiteflag byDido, I knew nothing had really changed.
*sigh*
Maybe Rebby was right, maybe i did need help, but ofcourse her idea of 'help' was just an overprized pedicure :-/
I turned on my laptop to divert my mind and countless windows, pictures and updates popped up. Everyone seemed to be so happy in their individual lives as i scrolled through a few cheesy taglines.
(Now how the crap can this one female on my list, who by the way has been committed for two years; have a "Life is beautiful" tagline all the time? I mean who is she? Wonder-woman? How can she be so happy all the time?!! )
I felt a little frustrated.
All the blind stupid optimism can get on your nerves at times.
Just then, my saviour, my much loved gay friend, pinged me on gtalk.
Ab- Hey !
Ivy- Hey, thankgod ur here :(
Ab- Ab kya hua tujhe?
Ivy- Nothing...just....you know, the usual...
Ab- Get over it :P
After one hour of crying, cribbing and NOT getting over it.......
Ivy- Ab,I dont know what to do ya , I feel lost at times. I cry at small small things. I dont know...they think im going crazy. I think so too.
Ab- Why do u think so?
Ivy- I dont know! I just hate everyone and everything these days. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I feel like puking when i see oh so happy couples getting mushy in coffee shops.
I tell my friends that im too busy to come with them, even when i sit in my room, doing NOTHING all day!
You know Ab, its been two whole days and i havent seen the god damn daylight ya! The only time i leave my room is when i go to pee.
Ab- You pervert, thats cause you sit in your room all day fantasizing a about hot naked guys :P
Ivy- .............???!!
Ab- Never mind. did i tell you about this dude i met last week...?? :P
Ivy- lol. Who where how??!!
See, there something about having good friends around you. They might try to set you up with stupid guys, give stupid love advice, refuse to go away when you want to be alone, convince you that a stupid polka dotted bag is worth spending eight grands on, get you broke, get you into trouble and never return your revlon mascara that they borrowed ages back; i mean they can be a real pain in the posterior but anyways, im digressing from the point here! The point is that there are a few people on this planet, talking to whom always makes you feel good, lighter and saner.
I mean i still have a few close friends whom i really love. I feel im more of ME, when im with them, than, when im with myself !
Does that mean im regaining the faith i once had in people?
I mean, yeah, there will always be a certain group of 'ex-friends', whom i will hate till the end of times, for things, which are best left unmentioned.
But maybe Ab is right. There still are good people in world, maybe i will get my knight in shining armour one day... reminded me of the Charlotte character from Sex and the City. She took affirmations, to find love again.....
Maybe Rebby was right, maybe i did need help, but ofcourse her idea of 'help' was just an overprized pedicure :-/
I turned on my laptop to divert my mind and countless windows, pictures and updates popped up. Everyone seemed to be so happy in their individual lives as i scrolled through a few cheesy taglines.
(Now how the crap can this one female on my list, who by the way has been committed for two years; have a "Life is beautiful" tagline all the time? I mean who is she? Wonder-woman? How can she be so happy all the time?!! )
I felt a little frustrated.
All the blind stupid optimism can get on your nerves at times.
Just then, my saviour, my much loved gay friend, pinged me on gtalk.
Ab- Hey !
Ivy- Hey, thankgod ur here :(
Ab- Ab kya hua tujhe?
Ivy- Nothing...just....you know, the usual...
Ab- Get over it :P
After one hour of crying, cribbing and NOT getting over it.......
Ivy- Ab,I dont know what to do ya , I feel lost at times. I cry at small small things. I dont know...they think im going crazy. I think so too.
Ab- Why do u think so?
Ivy- I dont know! I just hate everyone and everything these days. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I feel like puking when i see oh so happy couples getting mushy in coffee shops.
I tell my friends that im too busy to come with them, even when i sit in my room, doing NOTHING all day!
You know Ab, its been two whole days and i havent seen the god damn daylight ya! The only time i leave my room is when i go to pee.
Ab- You pervert, thats cause you sit in your room all day fantasizing a about hot naked guys :P
Ivy- .............???!!
Ab- Never mind. did i tell you about this dude i met last week...?? :P
Ivy- lol. Who where how??!!
See, there something about having good friends around you. They might try to set you up with stupid guys, give stupid love advice, refuse to go away when you want to be alone, convince you that a stupid polka dotted bag is worth spending eight grands on, get you broke, get you into trouble and never return your revlon mascara that they borrowed ages back; i mean they can be a real pain in the posterior but anyways, im digressing from the point here! The point is that there are a few people on this planet, talking to whom always makes you feel good, lighter and saner.
I mean i still have a few close friends whom i really love. I feel im more of ME, when im with them, than, when im with myself !
Does that mean im regaining the faith i once had in people?
I mean, yeah, there will always be a certain group of 'ex-friends', whom i will hate till the end of times, for things, which are best left unmentioned.
But maybe Ab is right. There still are good people in world, maybe i will get my knight in shining armour one day... reminded me of the Charlotte character from Sex and the City. She took affirmations, to find love again.....
Maybe i should do the same Or maybe i should turn into the Samantha character, who was the most promiscious one, she believed that she has had "hundreds" of soulmates.
I dicussed all this with Ab, who reminded me that Samantha used her glamorous, impenetrable facade and dismissive approach to love to actually hide a sensitive, caring nature.
Ivy- Oh yeah...not her then. You see, I wanna do something crazy, like being the ruthless cold hearted bitch for a while who can date ten guys in two months, what say?
Ab- Lol. YEah right...Three years and your still not over your first guy...Loser
:P
Ivy- Ouch
Ab- Your more like the Carrie chick, whose obssessed with the Chris Noth character.
Ivy- No im not !
*sigh*
Okhay maybe i am...
but your not helping Ab !!!!! :(
Ab- Kidding babes. Maybe you should just colour your hair red :P
At 6.30pm, i got a call from Rebby.
Rebby- Wassup??!
Me- Nothin at all. You tell me?
Rebby- Barista 7pm?
Me- ummm...okhay.
Rebby- and hey, try not wearing the female devdaas look ok ?
Me- Got it.(smiling)
Rebby- Okhay see ya then.
ME- Hey Rebby, dont forget to get my revlon mascara that you borrowed last month and hey you still havent returned my...
Rebby- HEllo??!! Cant hear ya??!! Alright ! See you then.
*click*
Bitch !!!
I quickly said bye to Ab and promised to return with more sob stories later at night, at which he politely asked me to f*** off and get a life. Then, I immediately got into the most stylish set of clothes i could find in my wadrobe and zoomed off to the city in my car to meet my friends.
When I returned home at 9pm, Mom was standing in the hallway looking pissed.
Mom (screaming): You spent eight thousand rupees on a bag?!! Gimme your credit card !!!!
I handed over my card reluctantly.
Me : Mom, im sorry okhay...I know i shouldnt have, but you dont have to do this....
Mom (still screaming): Give me one good reason why i shouldnt?!!
ME (almost in tears): Cause i love you and your the best mommy in the whole wide world. And...and....its 'Women's day' tomorrow and we as women must love and respect each other...
Crap. I couldnt believe i said all that. Gosh, I DID need help!
Mom: Guess what? Your not getting to keep the bag either. GO TO YOUR ROOM !!!
I quietly went to my room then, there was nothing more i could do; the dictator had spoken, but i can swear that i saw a smirk on her face when she said that she was going to keep the purse.
I could almost picture her carrying the bag to one of her lame-ass kitty parties, flaunting it to every third woman.
Now wait, come to think of it, it wasnt just a careless smirk; it was more like a full-blown-blatant-sinisterous-malicious-smile !!!
Great !! Royally grounded for a stupid bag, that i dont even get to keep, i thought to myself, as i kicked the door of my room shut, as loudly as i could.
I turned on the telivision, only to see Oprah talk about Women's day celebrations.
aaaagggRRRHhh !!!
Women's day my a** !!!!
Whoever said that two women could 'love' 'respect' or even live under the same roof harmoniously, should seriously get his HEAD EXAMINED !!!!
I dicussed all this with Ab, who reminded me that Samantha used her glamorous, impenetrable facade and dismissive approach to love to actually hide a sensitive, caring nature.
Ivy- Oh yeah...not her then. You see, I wanna do something crazy, like being the ruthless cold hearted bitch for a while who can date ten guys in two months, what say?
Ab- Lol. YEah right...Three years and your still not over your first guy...Loser
:P
Ivy- Ouch
Ab- Your more like the Carrie chick, whose obssessed with the Chris Noth character.
Ivy- No im not !
*sigh*
Okhay maybe i am...
but your not helping Ab !!!!! :(
Ab- Kidding babes. Maybe you should just colour your hair red :P
At 6.30pm, i got a call from Rebby.
Rebby- Wassup??!
Me- Nothin at all. You tell me?
Rebby- Barista 7pm?
Me- ummm...okhay.
Rebby- and hey, try not wearing the female devdaas look ok ?
Me- Got it.(smiling)
Rebby- Okhay see ya then.
ME- Hey Rebby, dont forget to get my revlon mascara that you borrowed last month and hey you still havent returned my...
Rebby- HEllo??!! Cant hear ya??!! Alright ! See you then.
*click*
Bitch !!!
I quickly said bye to Ab and promised to return with more sob stories later at night, at which he politely asked me to f*** off and get a life. Then, I immediately got into the most stylish set of clothes i could find in my wadrobe and zoomed off to the city in my car to meet my friends.
When I returned home at 9pm, Mom was standing in the hallway looking pissed.
Mom (screaming): You spent eight thousand rupees on a bag?!! Gimme your credit card !!!!
I handed over my card reluctantly.
Me : Mom, im sorry okhay...I know i shouldnt have, but you dont have to do this....
Mom (still screaming): Give me one good reason why i shouldnt?!!
ME (almost in tears): Cause i love you and your the best mommy in the whole wide world. And...and....its 'Women's day' tomorrow and we as women must love and respect each other...
Crap. I couldnt believe i said all that. Gosh, I DID need help!
Mom: Guess what? Your not getting to keep the bag either. GO TO YOUR ROOM !!!
I quietly went to my room then, there was nothing more i could do; the dictator had spoken, but i can swear that i saw a smirk on her face when she said that she was going to keep the purse.
I could almost picture her carrying the bag to one of her lame-ass kitty parties, flaunting it to every third woman.
Now wait, come to think of it, it wasnt just a careless smirk; it was more like a full-blown-blatant-sinisterous-malicious-smile !!!
Great !! Royally grounded for a stupid bag, that i dont even get to keep, i thought to myself, as i kicked the door of my room shut, as loudly as i could.
I turned on the telivision, only to see Oprah talk about Women's day celebrations.
aaaagggRRRHhh !!!
Women's day my a** !!!!
Whoever said that two women could 'love' 'respect' or even live under the same roof harmoniously, should seriously get his HEAD EXAMINED !!!!
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