On being alive...

I

There was something wrong with him that evening-she could tell...but then he was not the kinda guy who would speak about anything. She figured maybe some random nothings would keep him distracted and so did her usual blabber routine which more or less felt flat after a while.
A certain darkness engulfed her. He was not listening. His mind was somewhere else.
She was somehow spaced out herself but kept making small talk, without really saying much.
It had been a long tiring day after all.

Both of them were largely in their own worlds staring into nothing, with their favorite beer pint and some live music in the background in an upscale rooftop pub in the suburbs. The night was cloudy and the winters had just started kicking in. Everything looked dull and gloomy.
And then something crazy happened... She saw him gazing at her. Before she could speak he reached forward and kissed her cheek. 
He was the type who'd just silently curl around her at night and breathe into her hair. She felt protected with him around even though they barely spoke.

But now he was gone and she was left cold and un-anchored. She just wanted to hold his stubbled face and make him look at her the way he did 2 months back...if only things were less complicated.

She wiped a tear off her face and stepped into the car. You cant lose what you never had. She told herself.

***
II


They met almost randomly and became the best of friends in no time - Two lost souls in an unknown town.
With time they realized they were the same people. Could joke around for hours - Everything just came so naturally..like clockwork.
Coffees, beers, lunches soon turned into talks about the pasts, dreams about the future and some bleak hope of togetherness. Some how everyone else around saw the obvious a long time before they could come in terms with their own feelings.
Are you guys a thing? His friends would ask him and he'd just brush them off. He did like her. But were they a thing?, he wondered.

He got mixed signals from her. Sometimes she'd act all bossy and wanted to know everything and sometimes she'd just disappear and cut him out for days. She was slightly dysfunctional he felt, but he was persistent and patient - and they really did get along realy well. He wanted to give it a shot.
Her erratic behavior however bothered him a lot and finally he confronted her one day.
She breathed deep and went numb and gave him a whole set of reasons for why they couldn't be together, which did not make any sense to him. This left him feeling even more confused and a little hurt somewhereas well.
After weeks of fighting and avoiding each other, they finally called truce and met for dinner.
It was just like old times. They took a walk back home with her comfortably tucked into his oversized jacket.
Do you know whats weird?, she said. I was so angry at you a week back and now I cant even figure out a reason why. He smiled. We are so good together like this, don’t you see? We cant have this if we stay confused about each other...
This time he kept quiet. This was the last time he was going to meet her, he decided. She was never going to come around.

***

III

3 years later

It had been a long exhausting night. The friends were gone and the two of them decided to get some air for a while. Being a party host was never easy.

It was 2 am and they were drunk silly, sitting on the swings in an old depleted garden near their house.

What does the heart want? She asked him, in a vague dreamy demeanor, staring at the sky.

She had been quiet for a long time. It scared him when she did that, so he played along.

I don't know...The heart is stupid, i guess. It doesn’t know what it wants. It can't reason.You gotta start loving from your mind you see...That’s the only way you can be happy.
He spoke calmly, being his logical self and he gave her a push.

No. That’s not true. You see, the heart just wants to be alive.

He laughed without asking her what she meant. He always enjoyed her drunk loony talks

Its true!, she continued...the heart recoils from love when it getting enough and rushes towards something unrequited. How else do you explain that?

He thought for a second. Because it wants to be alive?, He said after a brief pause.
It kind of made sense. Drunken philosophy always made sense.

Yes! She smiled. 
Come lets go home. He laughed and he helped her off the swing.

***

In time...

Getting too close, while letting you go
More than i can take, more than you will know
Unarmed and defenseless, just like they say
You’re the only one to blame when you give yourself away

To breathe you in or shut you out
In my conviction or even my doubt
Could you be my protection if you choose to stay?
Guess you’re the one to blame when you give yourself away

To walk away or get left behind
A answer left to fate and time
You’ll have your reasons, but the choices I will make
Cause I’m the only one to blame if i give myself away

To my great regret

What felt so strong was dead and gone
and nothing but the guilt remained;
no more hurt, no more rage
with nothing to prove and nothing to say

The cloudy skies and roaring waves
also sighed in retrospect-
she stood accused for not her faults
she stood tonight in deep regret


Its time for me to go, she said
putting an end to all the pain,
and then she turned and walked away
never to be seen again

They knew there was no turning back

and it was time to let it die;

the dues were payed, the time was served

what could have been was lost that night

***


Davy Jones : Lookie here my boys. A lost bird that never learned to fly.
Jack Sparrow : To my great regret...But its never too late to learn.

A touch of your Grace...

A chapter new
a story old
an open book
with bends and folds;
A broken heart
some broken ties
a weary soul
deserted eyes.

A solitude
a dark recluse
all locked up
a spirit consumed;
A pool of blood
some unsure cuts
her trembling hands
a blissful hurt.

The pain consumes
and time slows down
another stranger
an unknown town;
A life forlorn
another realm
eternal peace
a journeys end.

Before she drowns
before she falls
one last breath
one final thought;
A struggle within
a cry for help
a new found closure
receding steps.

A healing touch
a twist of fate
an answered prayer
amazing Grace;
An angel descends
he makes her believe
she finds new hope-
An ecstasy.

A ray of light
a leap of faith
the end of despair
a higher solace;
A reason enough
a brand new life
she now stands tall
no longer denied.

A picture, a memory and a perspective...

“I can't really explain what i am trying to say here....but there is this something, which is so compelling and unresolved about this picture. I guess I am just drawn to black.....”

“Of course you are”, he smiled - the all-knowing self assured smile which underlined the state that i had allowed myself to slip into.

____

I have always loved the theatricality of black and white pictures.

The depth of the greyscales, the play of the light and dark textures; unfolding and absorbing the spectrum with an poise of their own, while withholding a memory that will last forever....

And this is exactly how I would like you to remember me.....no more in retrospection or unanswered questions, but in our moments of joys and sorrows, wrapped in seamless lights and shades.

So long.

love and other disasters.....

PETER: Jacks, have you ever thought this whole ‘True Love’ thing might be a conspiracy?

JACKS: A conspiracy?

PETER: Yeah, a capitalist conspiracy. A lie concocted by the Film, Publishing and Music industries. All pushing this thing, this concept that doesn’t even exist!

JACKS: True love doesn’t exist?

PETER: Well, think about it. Where is it besides songs, books and films? I mean who can honestly say ‘I will always love you’?

JACKS: Whitney Houston?

PETER: Yeah, when she’s high on crack.
The point is everyone’s miserable because they’re looking for this nonexistent thing, or else they’re miserable because they think they’ve settled for less.

Just another day...

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

(disappear-hoobastank)

_

Just one of those days, when you dont know what to think or how to feel anymore....

when you dread the silence around you so much that you find your self roaming aimlessly, seeking recluse in the city's traffic and random faces.

when your head is so full of thoughts, yet you feel so empty inside...

so hurt, yet so totally devoid of emotions...

Life can be crazy sometimes, its like sitting in an f1 car and watching the world in a blink of an eye with hardly anytime to react....

Whats left at the end of it all is a huge cloud of dust and confusion and unanswered questions like 'what if' and 'why' and ironically while this whole whirlpool of emotions is fucking up your peace of mind, closure seems to be the only thing that eludes you.

Its 4 am as i write this and im sleep deprived like always, slightly out of my mind and maybe a little hurt somewhere deep down too...but life is an uphill struggle and we all must pay our dues.

Now im looking for something that would put things in perspective but like always, i find my self struggling for the right lines...Contrary to what many people think, im bad with words and even worse with letting my feelings show...but then i'm done trying anyway.

.

PPS- The writer of this blog is highy delusional, constantly bipolar and partially demented and is not meant to be taken seriously.

whats left of me...

diverted hopes
deserted dreams
wasted emotions
a love that could not be

scars and stitches
rues and cries
pain and hurt
regrets and sighs

unresting thoughts
an emptiness
a sinking feeling
a loneliness

a broken bond
unspoken words
a dying hope
a fading light

we belong together...

"We belong together"
Part I - She leaves him gasping for breath....

Part II- Lost or found....?

One month later...

A sudden gust of breeze blew the windows of a sea facing apartment open, unveiling a freshly painted room with bare walls and unpacked boxes scattered all over the floor. Everything looked dark, silent and lifeless except the windows that rattled intermittently, as the mild drafts of wind blew against them.

Oblivious to her surroundings, she lay in one corner of the room in a state of delirium...
Pale and motionless...the lustre was gone.......

Her world was largely numb except for the distant sound of the windows and the unquenched thirst that she felt, as she wavered between various levels of consciousness…

Worn out by the immensity of her grief, she found solace in physical pain…most of which was gone now.....

As the frailty of her nerves and a lack of sensation consumed her...She slowly transcended to another world...another realm...leaving behind a trail of blood on the cold marbled floor....

Far far away from the cruel world and its complexities, in another dimension, she calmly drifted through a valley full of flowers,sheltered by a clear blue sky, towards a bright light that seemed to promise elusive happiness.She felt at peace at last, as she stood at the doorway of redemption...a place where tranquility and serenity reigned...harmony and ecstasy prevailed.

She smiled. She could finally be free now...from all the intricacies of her existence.

However, something seemed to be holding her back….She couldn't’t figure out who or why...

She dreamily whispered, “You don't understand…I’m happy here” but something kept pulling her away....

The light slowly disappeared as she struggled to free herself from the powerful siege she was engulfed in... "Let go of me.....I'm happy here...", She cried once again..But the light was gone. Everything slowly faded to black and white......

A loud scream brought her back to life....

Where was she? She wondered as she looked around puzzled by the sudden commotion around her, still in a semi-conscious state. Everything was dark and blurred, but she could hear some voices....mostly shrieks...Someone was holding her tightly, someone familiar......It was him.......

"What have you done.......!!", He cried, as he lifted her up and carried her down the stairs hurriedly. He looked miserable.

What had she done? She looked around confused and distracted by all the screaming.....Why was he so sad? She just couldn't understand...
With trembling hands she slowly touched his face...Why was he crying?

An excruciating pain shot down her spine and suddenly it all came back to her; All the hurt, all the pain and all the emptiness that she had felt, before she had decided to end it all..............

She had disappeared without a trace a month ago from his life and the lives of everyone she had known and loved... She had been unhappy for so long...She had to do this....this was the only way out- She had told herself....

A tear rolled down her cheek as she lay in his arms physically and emotionally spent...wondering whether she was lost or found...................................................
.
.
.
(to be continued...)

We belong together...

Part I - She leaves him gasping for breath....


She took a deep breath as he stopped the car. She looked nervous.

"I..I cant do it...", She murmured as her eyes swelled up.

He slowly ruffled her hair and said, "Hey...you'll be just fine on your own...if not better. I know moving out is a big decision but what are you so scared of ? You always have me right..? "

She gave him an uneasy nod as he reached forward and gently kissed her forehead. He felt her fingers clutching tightly to his shirt, not wanting to let go...


This reminded him of all the previous times when she had been low and needed him to pep her up. There was an alluring aura around her which made him want to rescue and protect her.

They had a history; of loving each other, fighting, breaking up, dating wrong people and eventually falling back to each other, over and over again.
She was a vulnerable young girl, barely out of her teens, who dreamt of fairy tale romances and happy endings. He was a doctor, seven years elder to her; realistic enough to know that such romances only existed in paper back novels.

She was in need of constant love, care, attention and reassurance of his loyalty; which he sadly couldn't deliver. His hectic schedules kept him away for long, leaving him with no time for her.
He knew that he loved her more than he had loved anyone else but was unable to handle the complexities of the relationship. Every time he walked out of her life, he left her devastated and so after three years of running in circles and chasing tails; they had decided to be 'just friends'.


"Thanks for being there...", she spoke feebly as she slowly pulled away from his embrace.

As her eyes met his, he freezed for a moment and then quickly looked away...

They both knew the obvious but were scared of admitting it.
In these three years of trying to date other people and moving on, they both had failed miserably.

He was her first love and no guy could measure up to him. There was a calming way about him and she never felt this at ease with any other guy.

"Cant you stay a little longer ? We could go for a drive or something..."

"No. I must go. Thanks again...", She faintly smiled.

He watched her remove her stilettos, climb the stairs and sneak into her flat through one of the windows. She waved to him once she was up...
She was so young and naive...He smiled to himself.

He had tried dating girls his age, from his profession, but eventually got bored as no one could be her. Unlike other girls, she was never impressed by what he had achieved professionally. She made him feel so alive with her silly talks, chirpy voice and girlish tantrums that he kept rebounding to her. She could be the liveliest person around when she was happy...and the most lost one, when she was sad. She pushed him beyond comfort, making him aware of emotions that he never thought could exist in him.

As he drove back through the deserted roads, flickering traffic lights and neon's, a certain kind of emptiness engulfed him.


He had achieved everything that he had wanted three years back, except her.
How shallow all his materialistic pursuits felt in front of her little childish fantasies and the way her face brightened up when she was excited.

She always made him feel as if he had achieved nothing.

He came from a conservative family, where even watching television was a grave offence...While she was full of life, fun and random, always. Watching her crash, fall, dust off and rise up again made him re-live parts of his youth which he had drowned in books and libraries.

It was 1.30am, yet he had no desire of going back to an empty apartment with no one waiting for him. He pulled over his car and got out to get some fresh air.

He loosened his tie, as he crossed the sidewalks and leaned on the fence
, facing the lake. This was one of his favourite places- a place, so soothing, where he always felt better and calmer...his 'happy place', as she called it....

However, there was something distressing about the eerie silence that surrounded him that night, which made him uncomfortable.

Faded memories of his past flashed across in his mind in bits and pieces...

He remembered his first day at medical school...their first meet and how happy she had made him...his struggling days when she was the only thing that kept him going......how jealous he felt when she talked about other guys...how sad she had looked today...how much he wanted her....how lonely he felt without her...

Flooded by repressed emotions and feelings, which he had safely hidden in the darkest corners on his mind until now...he felt nauseatic and uneasy...

He was known for having the most sturdy hands in his profession; hands which never shook, even at the most critical times in the most delicate surgeries... His juniors would've refused to believe their eyes if they were to see him then; he was unconsciously trembling...

'Your are a man ! Don't cry like a girl ...." his dads words still echoed in his ears....

He was sweating profusely. How weak and helpless she made him feel !

"Sir, are you okay?!"

"Huh?! What?!", he turned around bewildered and saw a watchman staring at him with a disturbed expression.

"Yeah I...I am fine..", he stuttered, as he hastily wiped his tears in disbelief......

She had a way of reaching out to him when they were together and haunting him when she was away. But never until this day, did he find himself so over-whelmed by her thoughts.

Today, she had left him grasping for breath and that was how he knew that things would never be the same again...She was 'the one' and there was no running away from it now.

Out of place

" This time was different,
Felt like, I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife,
When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm, in this condition,
And I've, got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart,
But no matter what you'll never see me cry "

'Cry' ~ Rihanna

Nothing had been going right in her life lately and today was no exception.

She struggled to keep a few loose papers in place as she dashed past the overcrowded corridors of her college.

It had been raining continuously since the past few days and the entire city was water-logged. However, a little precipitation was always welcomed in the month of May and noone seemed to be complaining; except her. The rains made her uncomfortable.

She looked at her watch; She was going to be so late !
She was already at daggers with her professors over low attendance and today was her final viva; or to put it more bluntly, her turn of getting royally screwed.

She crashed through the doors of the seminar hall and panted out a loud sigh of relief, only to find a room-full of eyes staring at her coldly with a careless smirk.
There was an brief awkward silence as she vulnerably looked around hoping to find a sympathetic face.

Finally, she was addressed by a formidable and condescending voice instead.

"Welcome, Miss D, how very kind of you to join us today."

"I am soooo sorry ma'am, I can explain...."

After a twenty minute presentation on a topic that she knew nothing about; ten minutes of a gruelling viva session and thirty long minutes of explaining her absence from the class; she walked out of the hall, exhausted.

She had managed to pull of the presentation and pass with decent grades, to the surprise of everyone present in that room; but somehow it made no difference to her anymore.

She had'nt eaten or slept in days; but that did not matter as well.

She slowly dragged herself into an empty classroom, sunk down her head on one of the desks and cried. There was defeaning roar in the sky followed by a heavy downpour, lashing the roof of the building.

She had never felt this lonely before and the only one who could make her feel better was a thousand miles away from her...For him, she was just another human, just another soul, far, far away.

She never had any control over his life or decisions but at that moment, she felt as if losing control of her emotions as well.

She had longed to hear his voice and feel his presence next to her but ironically, her only companion in this moment of grief; her only solace, was the very rain that she hated.

A few minutes later she collected her files and left.