planktons...

"Planktons...more...some more ...and the lonely little you, left feeling empty...after each of them is gone....but life goes on you know... new people will come, better ones...but soon you'll be nothing but a mute observer, immune to things they say and do... see the thing about this hollowness is, that it never ends....."

-

Just let me walk away

while the pictures tear and burn

cause you need no answer-

I owe you no explanation

Let the questions be unasked

let the memories fade and rust

for i have touched you and passed-

pass by me too.

A picture, a memory and a perspective...

“I can't really explain what i am trying to say here....but there is this something, which is so compelling and unresolved about this picture. I guess I am just drawn to black.....”

“Of course you are”, he smiled - the all-knowing self assured smile which underlined the state that i had allowed myself to slip into.

____

I have always loved the theatricality of black and white pictures.

The depth of the greyscales, the play of the light and dark textures; unfolding and absorbing the spectrum with an poise of their own, while withholding a memory that will last forever....

And this is exactly how I would like you to remember me.....no more in retrospection or unanswered questions, but in our moments of joys and sorrows, wrapped in seamless lights and shades.

So long.

A journey through her neurosis.

Something that you need to know before you start reading this post -

The writer of this blog doesn't know a thing about sympathy....she’s never really been able to project her inner turmoil....but she does end up walking, talking and writing like a retard, thereafter.

Now this post is about a girl who believes that she is doomed to a lifetime of gravitating towards a series of unrequited relationships and is deeply repelled by the people who truly care about her.

Call it her abnormality or general psychology, but she likes people who are as emotionally damaged as she is. She somehow gets drawn to them (which explains the reason for her constant disappointment when it comes to love). Even though she feels that she’ll be happier in a stable relationship but when she sees herself getting into one, she somehow gets scared and starts looking for the nearest detour, blaming it on her cynical self, her crazy ex, her hectic schedules or some imaginary guy who left her emotionally spent and completely devoid of sentiments for the rest.

Ironically, she is perfectly aware of all her defences...the cynicism, the sarcasm, the vulnerability that she’s learnt to hide by indulging in all the possible mind numbing distractions that the western culture has to offer and all the social interactions that she so cleverly fakes.
She does whatever she can to save herself from any possible human attachment and so she limits her emotional breakdowns to the internet and long distance phone calls only.

She has a good life, they say. Supportive parents, caring friends, a promising career ahead but somehow these things never mattered to her. She does get her share of attention from the opposite sex.. sometimes much more that she expects or can handle.
In a way, she likes how easily she can shut people out of her life without feeling a thing...Though she never really fully understands what they see in her....For she is nothing special.. She is probably like every other girl you’ve known...She laughs, she cries, she hopes, she hurts...but more importantly ? she fears being like everyone she hates. She fears losing control...of getting lost in something or losing everything for something.

She is obsessive, bipolar and constantly finds herself in the middle of a mall compulsively shopping for shoes whenever she’s going through relationship issues and comes back home feeling like Cinderella’s step sister when she can’t find her ‘perfect fit’.

She cries in movies...wishes that she could rescue all the stray puppies of the world ... drowns her sorrows in a tub of ice-cream when she’s low...writes stupid blogs and deletes them before anyone can read.. And when nothing else works...falls into her bed, fantasizing about a parallel universe where life is less complicated...

Cause absolute happiness is what shes keeps on looking for...something unconditional and boundless...An affection, that might not even exist...

Knowningly or unknowingly she recedes between knowning and not knowning. running in circles...in a constant struggle with herself...thoughts read, unspoken. forever in doubt.

When asked, she quietly whispers "human nature is just so whimsical, how do you even know which part of you is real?"

****

Disclaimer- This post is purely a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Just another day...

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

(disappear-hoobastank)

_

Just one of those days, when you dont know what to think or how to feel anymore....

when you dread the silence around you so much that you find your self roaming aimlessly, seeking recluse in the city's traffic and random faces.

when your head is so full of thoughts, yet you feel so empty inside...

so hurt, yet so totally devoid of emotions...

Life can be crazy sometimes, its like sitting in an f1 car and watching the world in a blink of an eye with hardly anytime to react....

Whats left at the end of it all is a huge cloud of dust and confusion and unanswered questions like 'what if' and 'why' and ironically while this whole whirlpool of emotions is fucking up your peace of mind, closure seems to be the only thing that eludes you.

Its 4 am as i write this and im sleep deprived like always, slightly out of my mind and maybe a little hurt somewhere deep down too...but life is an uphill struggle and we all must pay our dues.

Now im looking for something that would put things in perspective but like always, i find my self struggling for the right lines...Contrary to what many people think, im bad with words and even worse with letting my feelings show...but then i'm done trying anyway.

.

PPS- The writer of this blog is highy delusional, constantly bipolar and partially demented and is not meant to be taken seriously.

whats left of me...

diverted hopes
deserted dreams
wasted emotions
a love that could not be

scars and stitches
rues and cries
pain and hurt
regrets and sighs

unresting thoughts
an emptiness
a sinking feeling
a loneliness

a broken bond
unspoken words
a dying hope
a fading light

we belong together...

"We belong together"
Part I - She leaves him gasping for breath....

Part II- Lost or found....?

One month later...

A sudden gust of breeze blew the windows of a sea facing apartment open, unveiling a freshly painted room with bare walls and unpacked boxes scattered all over the floor. Everything looked dark, silent and lifeless except the windows that rattled intermittently, as the mild drafts of wind blew against them.

Oblivious to her surroundings, she lay in one corner of the room in a state of delirium...
Pale and motionless...the lustre was gone.......

Her world was largely numb except for the distant sound of the windows and the unquenched thirst that she felt, as she wavered between various levels of consciousness…

Worn out by the immensity of her grief, she found solace in physical pain…most of which was gone now.....

As the frailty of her nerves and a lack of sensation consumed her...She slowly transcended to another world...another realm...leaving behind a trail of blood on the cold marbled floor....

Far far away from the cruel world and its complexities, in another dimension, she calmly drifted through a valley full of flowers,sheltered by a clear blue sky, towards a bright light that seemed to promise elusive happiness.She felt at peace at last, as she stood at the doorway of redemption...a place where tranquility and serenity reigned...harmony and ecstasy prevailed.

She smiled. She could finally be free now...from all the intricacies of her existence.

However, something seemed to be holding her back….She couldn't’t figure out who or why...

She dreamily whispered, “You don't understand…I’m happy here” but something kept pulling her away....

The light slowly disappeared as she struggled to free herself from the powerful siege she was engulfed in... "Let go of me.....I'm happy here...", She cried once again..But the light was gone. Everything slowly faded to black and white......

A loud scream brought her back to life....

Where was she? She wondered as she looked around puzzled by the sudden commotion around her, still in a semi-conscious state. Everything was dark and blurred, but she could hear some voices....mostly shrieks...Someone was holding her tightly, someone familiar......It was him.......

"What have you done.......!!", He cried, as he lifted her up and carried her down the stairs hurriedly. He looked miserable.

What had she done? She looked around confused and distracted by all the screaming.....Why was he so sad? She just couldn't understand...
With trembling hands she slowly touched his face...Why was he crying?

An excruciating pain shot down her spine and suddenly it all came back to her; All the hurt, all the pain and all the emptiness that she had felt, before she had decided to end it all..............

She had disappeared without a trace a month ago from his life and the lives of everyone she had known and loved... She had been unhappy for so long...She had to do this....this was the only way out- She had told herself....

A tear rolled down her cheek as she lay in his arms physically and emotionally spent...wondering whether she was lost or found...................................................
.
.
.
(to be continued...)

We belong together...

Part I - She leaves him gasping for breath....


She took a deep breath as he stopped the car. She looked nervous.

"I..I cant do it...", She murmured as her eyes swelled up.

He slowly ruffled her hair and said, "Hey...you'll be just fine on your own...if not better. I know moving out is a big decision but what are you so scared of ? You always have me right..? "

She gave him an uneasy nod as he reached forward and gently kissed her forehead. He felt her fingers clutching tightly to his shirt, not wanting to let go...


This reminded him of all the previous times when she had been low and needed him to pep her up. There was an alluring aura around her which made him want to rescue and protect her.

They had a history; of loving each other, fighting, breaking up, dating wrong people and eventually falling back to each other, over and over again.
She was a vulnerable young girl, barely out of her teens, who dreamt of fairy tale romances and happy endings. He was a doctor, seven years elder to her; realistic enough to know that such romances only existed in paper back novels.

She was in need of constant love, care, attention and reassurance of his loyalty; which he sadly couldn't deliver. His hectic schedules kept him away for long, leaving him with no time for her.
He knew that he loved her more than he had loved anyone else but was unable to handle the complexities of the relationship. Every time he walked out of her life, he left her devastated and so after three years of running in circles and chasing tails; they had decided to be 'just friends'.


"Thanks for being there...", she spoke feebly as she slowly pulled away from his embrace.

As her eyes met his, he freezed for a moment and then quickly looked away...

They both knew the obvious but were scared of admitting it.
In these three years of trying to date other people and moving on, they both had failed miserably.

He was her first love and no guy could measure up to him. There was a calming way about him and she never felt this at ease with any other guy.

"Cant you stay a little longer ? We could go for a drive or something..."

"No. I must go. Thanks again...", She faintly smiled.

He watched her remove her stilettos, climb the stairs and sneak into her flat through one of the windows. She waved to him once she was up...
She was so young and naive...He smiled to himself.

He had tried dating girls his age, from his profession, but eventually got bored as no one could be her. Unlike other girls, she was never impressed by what he had achieved professionally. She made him feel so alive with her silly talks, chirpy voice and girlish tantrums that he kept rebounding to her. She could be the liveliest person around when she was happy...and the most lost one, when she was sad. She pushed him beyond comfort, making him aware of emotions that he never thought could exist in him.

As he drove back through the deserted roads, flickering traffic lights and neon's, a certain kind of emptiness engulfed him.


He had achieved everything that he had wanted three years back, except her.
How shallow all his materialistic pursuits felt in front of her little childish fantasies and the way her face brightened up when she was excited.

She always made him feel as if he had achieved nothing.

He came from a conservative family, where even watching television was a grave offence...While she was full of life, fun and random, always. Watching her crash, fall, dust off and rise up again made him re-live parts of his youth which he had drowned in books and libraries.

It was 1.30am, yet he had no desire of going back to an empty apartment with no one waiting for him. He pulled over his car and got out to get some fresh air.

He loosened his tie, as he crossed the sidewalks and leaned on the fence
, facing the lake. This was one of his favourite places- a place, so soothing, where he always felt better and calmer...his 'happy place', as she called it....

However, there was something distressing about the eerie silence that surrounded him that night, which made him uncomfortable.

Faded memories of his past flashed across in his mind in bits and pieces...

He remembered his first day at medical school...their first meet and how happy she had made him...his struggling days when she was the only thing that kept him going......how jealous he felt when she talked about other guys...how sad she had looked today...how much he wanted her....how lonely he felt without her...

Flooded by repressed emotions and feelings, which he had safely hidden in the darkest corners on his mind until now...he felt nauseatic and uneasy...

He was known for having the most sturdy hands in his profession; hands which never shook, even at the most critical times in the most delicate surgeries... His juniors would've refused to believe their eyes if they were to see him then; he was unconsciously trembling...

'Your are a man ! Don't cry like a girl ...." his dads words still echoed in his ears....

He was sweating profusely. How weak and helpless she made him feel !

"Sir, are you okay?!"

"Huh?! What?!", he turned around bewildered and saw a watchman staring at him with a disturbed expression.

"Yeah I...I am fine..", he stuttered, as he hastily wiped his tears in disbelief......

She had a way of reaching out to him when they were together and haunting him when she was away. But never until this day, did he find himself so over-whelmed by her thoughts.

Today, she had left him grasping for breath and that was how he knew that things would never be the same again...She was 'the one' and there was no running away from it now.

Out of place

" This time was different,
Felt like, I was just a victim,
And it cut me like a knife,
When you walked out of my life,
Now I'm, in this condition,
And I've, got all the symptoms,
Of a girl with a broken heart,
But no matter what you'll never see me cry "

'Cry' ~ Rihanna

Nothing had been going right in her life lately and today was no exception.

She struggled to keep a few loose papers in place as she dashed past the overcrowded corridors of her college.

It had been raining continuously since the past few days and the entire city was water-logged. However, a little precipitation was always welcomed in the month of May and noone seemed to be complaining; except her. The rains made her uncomfortable.

She looked at her watch; She was going to be so late !
She was already at daggers with her professors over low attendance and today was her final viva; or to put it more bluntly, her turn of getting royally screwed.

She crashed through the doors of the seminar hall and panted out a loud sigh of relief, only to find a room-full of eyes staring at her coldly with a careless smirk.
There was an brief awkward silence as she vulnerably looked around hoping to find a sympathetic face.

Finally, she was addressed by a formidable and condescending voice instead.

"Welcome, Miss D, how very kind of you to join us today."

"I am soooo sorry ma'am, I can explain...."

After a twenty minute presentation on a topic that she knew nothing about; ten minutes of a gruelling viva session and thirty long minutes of explaining her absence from the class; she walked out of the hall, exhausted.

She had managed to pull of the presentation and pass with decent grades, to the surprise of everyone present in that room; but somehow it made no difference to her anymore.

She had'nt eaten or slept in days; but that did not matter as well.

She slowly dragged herself into an empty classroom, sunk down her head on one of the desks and cried. There was defeaning roar in the sky followed by a heavy downpour, lashing the roof of the building.

She had never felt this lonely before and the only one who could make her feel better was a thousand miles away from her...For him, she was just another human, just another soul, far, far away.

She never had any control over his life or decisions but at that moment, she felt as if losing control of her emotions as well.

She had longed to hear his voice and feel his presence next to her but ironically, her only companion in this moment of grief; her only solace, was the very rain that she hated.

A few minutes later she collected her files and left.

Weathered...

Someday she will breakaway from this cloud of dust; but not today...
Someday she will let her inhibitions go and trust; but not today...

Someday she will learn to love again and move past the hurt; but not today....
Someday she will breathe easy and life wont be a masquerade; but not today....

Someday someone would reach out and she wont be cold; but not today....
Someday her miseries would be nothing but a story untold; but not today....

Someday she will be loved and no longer forlorn; but not today...
Someday she will find her way back home; but not today...